During
the September 17 Republican Presidential Debate at the Reagan Presidential
Library in Simi Valley, California, each of the 11 candidates was given the
opportunity to say what their Secret Service code names would be. None of them
were quite right and some were absolutely wrong, so we decided to come up with
some more appropriate selections here.
Jeb
Bush: "Eveready." Oh yeah, we are really feeling this allusion to
high-energy batteries. In light of some of his recent comments, Jeb really comes off as much more of a "Momma's
Boy."
Ben
Carson: "One Nation." Yeah, well, this doesn't really sound like a
name for a person, especially one who seems to be perpetually doing a Tommy
Chong impression ... Oh, there we go! "Tommy Chong" it is.
Chris
Christie: "True Heart." Wait, did he mean to say "Enlarged
Heart"? That would work better, but we are nonetheless going to go with
"Deep Dish."
Ted
Cruz: "Cohiba." Nope. That is appealingly phallic but he was already,
and will increasingly become, "Grandpa Munster."
Carly
Fiorina: "Secretariat." OMG, and right after one of her opponents
said she had a face like a horse? Really? Maybe we will just let her have this
one, unless she wants to switch over to "Mrs. Ed" ...
Mike
Huckabee: "Duck Hunter." Does this guy actually hunt ducks? Mostly we just see him doing
things like visiting homophobes in jail and encouraging them to break the laws of
the land. "Civil Disobedience" it is.
John
Kasich: "Unit One." Uh huh. But what if the bad guys know that's
already your Ohio code name? "You-Nit-Wit" is
probably a little more accurate.
Marco
Rubio: "Gator." Cute, Marco, but no, alligators don't bring their own beverages when they visit California and you will henceforth be known as
"Water Bottle."
Donald
Trump: "Humble." Humor doesn't work when it is this blatant ... We
are going to go with the much more clever "McDuck," which plays off the name Donald, the candidate's modified DA haircut, and the prolific references to his great wealth.
Scott
Walker: "Harley." Very butch. And is someone paying him for this motorcycle company endorsement? With Walker's abiding respect for education and teachers,
however, we are thinking "Professor" might be a more appropriate
nickname for him.
Rand
Paul: "Justice Never Sleeps." Hahaha, really? Not sure what the hell
he was thinking with this ... You're number 11 right now, but maybe the sun will come out tomorrow, "Annie."
So
what would your code names for the Republican Presidential Candidates be? Let
us know what you think of these and feel free to post yours here!
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