The Polynesian Theogony of Paul Gauguin

Following is one of the chapters from Noa Noa, artist Paul Gauguin's account of his first, two-year visit to the island of Tahiti, which is couched in the context of a discussion with his concubine and provides an overview of the traditional Polynesian pantheon. It is, in fact, very reminiscent to me of Hesiod's famous Theogony of the classical Greek deities, and should be of some interest to anyone interested in the artist, comparative religion, or any number of related things. 

In the evening we have long and often very grave conversations in bed. 

Now that I can understand Tehura, in whom her ancestors sleep and sometimes dream, I strive to see and think through this child, and to find again in her the traces of the far-away past which socially is dead indeed, but still persists in vague memories. 

I question, and not all of my questions remain unanswered. 

Perhaps the men, more directly affected by our conquest or beguiled by our civilization, have forgotten the old gods, but in the memory of the women they have kept a place of refuge for themselves. It is a touching spectacle which Tehura presents, when under my influence the old national divinities gradually reawaken in her memory and cast off the artificial veils in which the Protestant missionaries thought it necessary to shroud them. As a whole the work of the catechists is very superficial. Their labors, particularly among the women, have fallen far short of their expectations. Their teaching is like a feeble coat of varnish which scales off, and quickly disappears at the slightest skillful touch. 

Tehura goes regularly to the temple, and offers lip-service to the official religion. But she knows by heart, and that is no small task, the names of all the gods of the Maori Olympus. She knows their history, she teaches me how they have created the world, how they rule it, how they wish to be honored. She is a stranger to the rigors of Christian morals, or else she does not care. For example, she does not think of repenting of the fact that she is the concubine, as they call it, of a tané. 

I do not exactly know how she associates Taaroa and Jesus in her beliefs. I think that she venerates both.

As chance has come she has given me a complete course in Tahitian theology. In return I have tried to explain to her some of the phenomena of nature in accordance with European knowledge.

The stars interest her much. She asks me for the French name of the morning-star, the evening-star, and the other stars. It is difficult for her to understand that the earth turns around the sun. . . .

She tells me the names of the stars in her language, and, as she is speaking, I distinguish by the very light of the stars who are themselves divinities the sacred forms of the Maori masters of the air and the fire, of the islands and of the waters. 

The inhabitants of Tahiti, as far as it is possible to go back in their history, have always possessed a rather extended knowledge of astronomy. The periodical feasts of the Areois, members of a secret religious and military society which ruled over the islands and of which I shall have more to say, were based on the revolutions of the stars. Even the nature of moonlight, it seems, was not unknown to the Maori. They assume that the moon is a globe very much like the earth, inhabited like it and rich in products like our own. 

They estimate the distance from the earth to the moon in their manner thus: The seed of the tree Ora was borne from the moon to the earth by a white dove. It took her two moons to reach the satellite, and when after two more moons she fell upon the earth again, she was without feathers. Of all the birds known to the Maoris, this one is regarded as having the swiftest flight. 

But here is the Tahitian nomenclature of the stars. I complete Tehura's lesson with the aid of a very ancient manuscript found in Polynesia. 

Is it too presumptuous to see in this the beginnings of a rational system of astronomy, rather than a simple play of the imagination? 

Roüa — great is his beginning — slept with his wife, the Gloomy Earth.

She gave birth to her king, the sun, then to the dusk, and then to the night.

Then Roüa cast off this woman.

Roüa — great is his beginning — slept with the woman called "Grande Réunion."

She gave birth to the queens of the heaven, the stars, and then to the star Tahiti, the evening-star.

The king of the golden skies, the only king, slept with his wife Fanoüi.

Of her is born the star Taüroüa (Venus), the morning-star, the king Taüroüa, who gives laws to the night and the day, to the other stars, to the moon, to the sun, and serves as a guide to mariners.

Taüroüa sailed at the left toward the north, where he slept with his wife, and begat the Red Star, the star which shines in the evening under two faces.

The Red Star, flying in the East, made ready his pirogue, the pirogue of the full day, and steered toward the skies. At the rise of the sun he sailed away.

Rehoüa now arises in the wideness of space. He sleeps with his wife, Oüra Taneïpa.

Of them are born the Twin-kings, the Pleiades.

These Twin-kings are surely identical with our Castor and Pollux.

This first version of the Polynesian genesis is complicated with variations which are perhaps only developments.

Taaroa slept with the woman who calls herself Goddess of the Without (or of the sea).

Of them are born the white clouds, the black clouds, and the rain.

Taaroa slept with woman who calls herself Goddess of the Within (or of the earth).

Of them is born the first germ.

Is born in turn all that grows upon the surface of the earth.

Is born in turn the mist of the mountains. Is born in turn he who calls himself the Strong.

Is born in turn she who calls herself the Beautiful, or the one Adorned-in-order-to-Please.

Mahoüi launches his pirogue. 

He sits down in the bottom. At his right hangs the hook, fastened to the line by strands of hair.

And this line, which he holds in his hand, and this hook, he lets fall down into the depths of the universe in order to fish for the great fish (the earth) .

The hook has caught.

Already the axes show, already the God feels the enormous weight of the world.

Tefatou (the God of the earth and the earth itself) caught by the hook, emerges out of the night, still suspended in the immensity of space.

Mahoüi has caught the great fish which swims in space, and he can now direct it according to his will.

He holds it in his hand.

Mahoüi rules also the course of the sun, in such a way that day and night are of equal duration.

I asked Tehura to name the Gods for me.

Taaroa slept with the woman Ohina, the Goddess of the air.

Of them is born the rainbow, the moonlight, then, the red clouds and the red rain.

Taaroa slept with the woman Ohina, Goddess of the bosom of the earth.

Of them is born Tefatou, the spirit who animates the earth, and who manifests himself in subterranean noises.

Taaroa slept with the woman called Beyond-the-Earth.

Of them are born the Gods Teirü and Roüanoüa.

Then in turn Roo who sprang from the flank of his mother's body.

And of the same woman were also born Wrath and the Tempest, the Furious Winds, and also the Peace which follows these.

And the source of these spirits is in the place whence the Messengers are sent.

But Tehura admits that these relations are contested.

The most orthodox classification is this. The Gods are divided into Atuas and Oromatuas.

The superior Atuas are all sons and grandsons of Taaroa.

They dwell in the heavens. — There are seven heavens.

Taaroa and his wife Feii Feii Maïteraï had as sons: Oro (the first of the gods after his father, and who himself had two sons (Tetaï Mati and Oüroü Tetefa), Raa (father of Tetoüa Oüroü Oüroü, Feoïto, Teheme, Roa Roa, Tehu Raï Tia Hotoü, Temoüria), Tane (father of Peüroürai, Piata Hoüa, Piatia Roroa, Parara Iti Matai, Patia Taüra, Tane Haeriraï), Roo, Tieri, Tefatou, Roüa Noüa, Toma Hora, Roüa Otia, Moë, Toüpa, Panoüa, Tefatou Tire, Tefatou Toutaü, Peuraï, Mahoüi, Harana, Paümoüri, Hiro, Roüi, Fanoüra, Fatoühoüi, Rii.

Each of these gods has his particular attributes.

We already know the works of Mahoüi and Tefatou. ...

Tané has the seventh heaven for his mouth, and this signifies that the mouth of this god, who has given his name to man, is the farthest end of the heavens whence the light begins to illume the earth.

Rii separated the heavens and the earth.

Roüi stirred up the waters of the ocean; he broke the solid mass of the terrestrial continent, and divided it into innumerable parts which are the present islands.

Fanoüra, whose head touches the clouds and whose feet touch the bottom of the sea, and Fatoühoüi, another giant, descended together upon Eïva — an unknown land — in order to combat and destroy the monstrous hog which devoured human beings.

Hiro, the god of thieves, dug holes in the rocks with his fingers. He liberated a virgin whom the giants held captive in an enchanted place. With one hand he snatched up the trees which during the day concealed the prison of the virgin, and the charm was broken. ...

The inferior Atuas are particularly occupied with the life and work of men, but they do not abide in their dwelling-places.

They are: the Atuas Maho (god-sharks), guardian spirits of mariners; the Peho, gods and goddesses of the valleys, guardian spirits of husbandry; the No Te Oüpas Oüpas, guardian spirits of singers, of comedians, and of dancers; the Raaoü Pava Maïs, guardian spirits of physicians; the No Apas, gods to whom offerings are made after they have protected one from witchcraft and enchantment; the O Tanoü, guardian spirits of laborers; the Tane Ite Haas, guardian spirits of carpenters and builders; the Minias and the Papeas, guardian spirits of the roofers; the Matatinis, guardian spirits of makers of nets.

The Oromatuas are household gods, the Lares.

There are Oromatuas properly so called, and Genii.

The Oromatuas punish the fomenters of strife, and preserve peace in the families. They are: the Varna Taatas, the souls of the men and women of each family who have died; the Eriorios, the souls of the children, who have died at an early age of a natural death; the Poüaras, the souls of the children, who have been killed at birth, and who have returned into the body of grasshoppers.

The Genii are conjectural divinities, or rather consciously created by man. Without apparent motive, except that of his own choice, he attributes divine qualities to some animal or to some object, as, for example, a tree, and then he consults it in all important circumstances. There is in this, perhaps, a trace of Indian metempsychosis with which the Maoris very probably were acquainted. Their historical songs and legends abound in fables in which the great gods assume the form of animals and plants.

In the last rank of the celestial hierarchy, after the Atuas and the Oromatuas, come the Tiis.

These sons of Taaroa and Hina are very numerous.

In the Maori cosmogomy, they are spirits, inferior to the gods and strangers to men. They are intermediate between organic beings and inorganic beings and defend the rights and prerogatives of the latter against the usurpations of the former.

Their origin is this:

Taaroa slept with Hina, and of them was born Tii.

Tii slept with the woman Ani (Desire), and of them were born: Desire-of-the-night, the messenger of shadows and of death; Desire-of-the-day, the messenger of light and of life; Desire-of-the-gods, the messenger of the things of heaven; Desire-of-men, the messenger of the things of the earth.

Of them in turn were born: Tii of the within who watches over animals and plants; Tii of the without who guards the beings and things of the sea; Tii of the sands, and Tii of the sea-shores, and Tii of the loose earth; Tii of the rocks and Tii of the solid earth.

Still later were born: the happenings of the night, the happenings of the day, going and coming, flux and reflux, the giving and receiving of pleasure.

The images of the Tiis were placed at the farthest ends of the maraës (temples), and formed the limit which circumscribed the sacred places. They are seen on the rocks and on the sea-shores. These idols have the mission of marking the boundaries between the earth and the sea, of maintaining the balance between the two elements, and of restraining their reciprocal encroachments. Even modern travelers have seen a few statues of Tiis on the Ile-de-Pâques. They are colossal outlines partaking of human and animal forms, and bear witness to a special conception of beauty and a genuine skill in the art of working in stones, for they are architecturally constructed of superimposed blocks with original and ingenious combinations of color.

The European invasion and monotheism have destroyed these vestiges of a civilization which had its own grandeur. When the Tahitians to-day raise monuments, they achieve miracles of bad taste — as, for example, the tomb of Pomare. They had been richly endowed with an instinctive feeling for the harmony necessary between human creations and the animal and plant life which formed the setting and decoration of their existence, but this has now been lost. In contact with us, with our school, they have truly become "savages," in the sense which the Latin occident has given this word. They themselves have remained beautiful as masterpieces, but morally and physically (owing to us) they have become unfruitful.

Some traces of maraës still exist. They were parallelograms broken by openings. Three sides were formed of stone walls, four to six feet in height; a pyramid not as high as it was wide formed the fourth. The whole had a width of about one hundred meters, and a length of forty. Images of Tiis decorated this simple architectural structure.

The moon had an important place in the metaphysical speculations of the Maoris. It has already been stated that great feasts were celebrated in her honor. Hina is often invoked in the traditional recitals of the Areois. 

But her share or rôle in the harmony of the world is negative rather than positive.

This appears clearly in the dialogue between Hina and Tefatou.

Such texts would offer beautiful material for exegists, if the Oceanian Bible could be found as a subject for commentary. They would see there first of all the principles of a religion based on the worship of the forces of nature — a characteristic common to all primitive religions. The greater number of Maori gods are in effect personifications of different elements. But an attentive glance, if not misled or depraved by a desire to demonstrate the superiority of our philosophy over that of these "tribes," would soon discover interesting and singular characteristics in these legends.

I should like to point out two, but I shall do no more than indicate them. The problem of verifying these hypotheses is a matter for savants.

It is above all the clearness with which the two only and universal principles of life are designated and distinguished and ultimately resolved into a supreme unity. The one, soul and intelligence, Taaroa, is the male; the other in a certain way matter and body of the same god, is the female, that is Hina. To her belongs all the love of men, to him their respect. Hina is not the name of the moon alone. There is also a Hina-of-the-air, a Hina-of-the-sea, a Hina-of-the-Within, but these two syllables characterize only the subordinate parts of matter. The sun and the sky, light and its empire, all the noble parts of matter, so to speak, or rather all the spiritual elements of matter are Taaroa. This is definitely formulated in more than one text, in which the definition of spirit and matter can be recognized. Or what, if we acquiesce in this definition, is the significance of the fundamental doctrine of the Maori genesis:

THE GREAT AND HOLY UNIVERSE IS ONLY THE SHELL OF TAAROA — ?

Does not this doctrine constitute a primitive belief in the unity of matter? Is there not in this definition and separation of spirit and matter an analysis of the twofold manifestations of a single and unique substance? However rare such a philosophical intention may be among primitives, it does not follow that one should decline to receive testimony. It is evident that the Oceanian theology had two ends in view in the actions of the god who created the world and conserves it: the generative cause and matter which has become fecund, the motive force and the object acted upon, spirit and matter. It also appears clearly that in the constant interaction between the luminous spirit and the perceptive matter which it vivifies — that is to say in the successive unions of Taaroa with the diverse manifestations of Hina — one should recognize the continual and ever-varying influence of the sun upon things. And in the fruits of these unions are to be seen the changes continually effected in these very elements by light and warmth. When once we have a clear view of this phenomenon out of which the two universal currents proceed, we see that in the fruit are united and mingled the generative cause and the matter which has become fecund, in movement, the motive force and the object acted upon, and in life, spirit and matter, and that the universe just created is only the shell of Taaroa.

In the second place it appears from the dialogue between Tefatou and Hina, that man and the earth shall perish, but that the moon and the race inhabiting it shall continue. If we recall that Hina represents matter, and that according to the scientific precept, "all things transform but nothing perishes," we must agree that the old Maori sage who invented the legend knew as much about the subject as we do. Matter does not perish, that is to say it does not lose the qualities which can be perceived by the senses. Spirit, on the contrary, and light, this "spiritual matter," are subject to transformation. There is night and there is death, when the eyes close, from which light seemed to radiate and to reflect. Spirit, or rather the highest actual manifestation of spirit, is man. "Man must die . . . he dies never to rise again. . . . And man should die." But even when man and the earth, these fruits of the union of Taaroa and Hina, have perished, Taaroa himself will remain eternal, and we are told that Hina, matter, will also continue to be. There will then necessarily be present throughout all eternity spirit and matter, light and the object which it strives to illumine. They will be urged on with a mutual desire for a new union from which will arise a new "state" in the infinite evolution of life.

Evolution! . . . The unity of matter! . . . Who would have thought to find such testimony of a high civilization in the conceptions of former cannibals? I can with good conscience say that I have added nothing to the truth.

It is true that Tehura had no doubts concerning these abstractions, but she persisted in regarding shooting stars as wandering tupapaüs and genii in distress. In the same spirit as her ancestors, who thought that the sky was Taaroa himself and that the Atuas descended from Taaroa were simultaneously gods and heavenly bodies, she ascribed human feelings to the stars. I do not know in how far these poetic imaginings impede the progress of the most positive science, neither do I know to what point the highest science would condemn them.

From other points of view it would be possible to give other interpretations to the dialogue between Tefatou and Hina: The counsel of the moon who is feminine might be the dangerous advice of blind pity and sentimental weakness. The moon and women, expressions in the Maori conception for matter, need not know that death alone guards the secrets of life. Tefatou's reply might be regarded as the stern, but far-sighted and disinterested, decree of supremest wisdom, which knows that the individual manifestations of actual life must give way before a higher being in order that it may come and must sacrifice themselves to it in order that it may triumph.

In earlier days this response would have had a much more far-reaching implication and the import of a national prophecy. A great spirit of ancient days would have studied and measured the vitality of his race; he would have foreseen the germs of death in its blood without the possibility of recovery or rebirth, and he would have said:

Tahiti will die, it will die never to rise again. 

Guide to World Holidays

A number of people have responded to some of my posts, notably my essay on "Choosing to Have a Happy Holiday," by saying they had not heard of some of the holidays I mentioned! Certainly people can get by in the modern world without knowing too much about Saturnalia, but it probably behooves most educated people to know about the holidays being observed by their neighbors, and so I have decided to start this guide to world holidays. I also hope to reveal some interesting things people might not have known about more familiar holidays.

Saint Patrick’s Day (March 17): This religious holiday devoted to the patron saint of Ireland is observed by the Catholic Church, the Anglican Communion, the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the Lutheran Church. It has been an official church feast day for about 400 years but, in more recent times, has also evolved into a more secular celebration of Irish culture in general that is observed with parades, wearing green clothing, eating, and, naturally, drinking. And, for those who care about such things, participation in it does grant a one-day dispensation on the strictures of Lent for those observing it! Saint Patrick, a 5th century Romano-British Christian missionary and bishop, has a number of claims to fame that warrant such revelry in his memory, the main one being the prominent role he played in spreading Christianity throughout the Emerald Isles. He is also credited with banishing all serpents from Ireland, driving them into the sea and to their deaths after they had the impertinence to attack him during his own Lenten rigors. The fact that there are no snakes in Ireland today suggests that he did, in fact, do a pretty good job in this regard.

Songkran (April 13-15): This holiday coincides with the New Year of many calendars of South and Southeast Asia and is celebrated as the traditional start of the New Year in Thailand. This was originally a moveable feast with a date set by astrological calculation but is now fixed; if its days fall on a weekend, the missed days off are taken on the weekdays immediately following. Songkran falls in the hottest time of the year in Thailand, at the end of the dry season. Songkran has traditionally been celebrated as the New Year for many centuries, is believed to have been adapted from an Indian festival, and is observed nationwide. The most famous Songkran celebrations, however, are still in the northern city of Chiang Mai, where it continues for at least six days. It has also become a party for foreigners and an additional reason for many to visit Thailand.

New Year's Day (January 1). Celebrated on the first day of January throughought much of the world, this day marks the beginnning of the new calendar year. Strange as it may be to conceive of, however, this was not always the case, and only started to be observed on January 1 in the English-speaking world between the years A.D. 1600 and 1761! Up until that point, the start of the New Year was generally observed on March 25, and going back into the Middle Ages a number of other dates were used, including March 1, September 1, Christmas Day, and Easter. Many Catholics may also recognize January 1 as the day Jesus was circumcised.

Epiphany (Mostly January 6 in 2013). This Christian feast day celebrates the revelation of God the Son as a human being in Jesus Christ. In the Western Christian tradition, Ephiphany mainly commemorates the visitation the baby Jesus by the Magi, symbolizing Jesus' physical manifestation to the Gentiles, and is generally celebrated either on January 6 as a Holy Day of Obligation or on the first Sunday after January 1. In the Eastern Christians tradition, the holiday celebrates the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River, recognized as his revelation to the world as the Son of God, and is generally celebrated on January 19. In certain countries, however, Epiphany is celebrated on different days (e.g., January 9 in Columbia).

Seijin no Hi/Coming of Age Day (Japan; January 14 in 2013): Events of this sort date to at least A.D. 714 in Japan and were officially established as an annual holiday in 1948; since 2000, Coming of Age Day has been observed on the second Monday in January. Its purpose is to congratulate and encourage all those who have reached the age of majority which, in Japan, is 20 years old, and when new adults are legally allowed to vote, drive, and smoke. Festivities include ceremonies at local government offices and after-parties among family and friends.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day (January 21 in 2013). This U.S. federal holiday marks the birthday of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., chief spokesman for nonviolent activism in the U.S. civil rights movement during the 1960s. It is observed on the third Monday of January each year, around the time of King's Jan. 15 birthday. President Ronald Reagan signed the holiday into law in 1983 and it was first observed on January 20, 1986. Some states initially resisted observing the holiday as such, combining it with other holidays or giving it alternative names, and it was officially observed in all 50 states for the first time in 2000.

Republic Day (India; January 26): Republic Day is a national holiday that marks the adoption of the Constitution of India and the transition of the nation from a British Dominion to a republic on January 26, 1950. It is one of the three national holidays celebrated in India. On this day, the country finally realized the dream of Mahatma Gandhi and the numerous freedom fighters who, fought for and sacrificed their lives for the Independence of their country. It is marked by speeches, parades, and ceremonies, especially in the national capital of New Delhi. It is worth noting, for those who might not have been aware of this, that India -- and not the United States -- is today the largest republic in the world!

Chinese New Year (February 10 in 2013): Also called the Lunar New Year and the Spring Festival, Chinese New Year is the most important of the traditional Chinese holidays. While it is particularly celebrated in mainland China and Taiwan, it is also observed by expatriate communities worldwide in countries that include the United States, Malaysia, and Indonesia. The festival traditionally begins on the first day of the first month, Pinyin, in the Chinese calendar and ends on the 15th, a day known as Lantern Festival. Because its observance is based on a lunar calendar, it falls each year on a different day of the Western calendar. Vietnamese New Year, or Tết, is based on the same calendar and falls on the same day as Chinese New Year. Each year of the Chinese calendar is said to be influenced by a particular sign of the zodiac, and 2013 is the Year of the Snake. People born under the sign of the Snake are said to be especially acute, attractive, aware, contemplative, cunning, graceful, introspective, intuitive, private, proud, refined, unflappable, vain, simultaneously dark and exciting, but not particularly good at communication, somewhat scheming, and often vicious.

Shrove Tuesday (February 12 in 2013): Better known to many in the United States as Mardi Gras (French for "Fat Tuesday"), this is the tradition in Roman Catholic and Anglican societies of celebrating the day before the start of the austere season of Lent with eating, drinking, and costumed revelry. It is celebrated througout the Western world and also known variously as Carnival in many places (e.g., Italy, Brazil) and Fasching in Germany. The period of celebration leading up to this day, which ends abruptly at midnight, varies from place to place and can be a day, a week, or even a few months. As a point of commentary, it bears mentioning that holidays like this are at least implicitly intended to let normal people periodically blow off steam. So, while Mardis Gras is often presented as an event created for party animals this is not really the case, as the most hedonistic can carouse whenever they want and it is the people who do not do so regularly who need observances like this one. Holidays like this have, in any case, been observed since time immemorial in most societies and subcultures that eschew such celebrations simply contribute to the misery of their members and drive them to partake of their pleasures more covertly.

Saint Valentine's Day (February 14): Generally known simply as Valentine's Day, this secular holiday is observed in more than 100 countries worldwide and is named in honor of two or three early Christian saints. This holiday was established by Pope Gelasius I in A.D. 496 and acquired its romantic connotations during the Middle Ages and, by the 1400s, was observed by the exchange of flowers, candy, and cards between lovers. Its name and history notwithstanding, however, Valentine's Day is no longer observed as a religious holiday, and the Catholic Church removed it from its list of official holidays in 1969. It also bears mentioning that the figure of Cupid, the winged child associated with Valentine's Day, is in fact the ancient Roman god of desire, pointing once again to the pagan roots of a seemingly modern holiday.

PopeWatch 2013: Blowing Black Smoke

VATICAN CITY -- A plume of black smoke issuing from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel signaled that the first day of the College of Cardinals' papal conclave had ended and that, predictably, its members had not yet selected a replacement for retired Pope Benedict XVI. The princes of the Catholic Church, however, are not the only ones blowing smoke, and over the past month there has been an abundance of idle, often whimsical, and sometimes even feel-good chatter about who the next pope will be. With an ever-canny sense of how things are rather than how people want them to be, the editors of Religion, Politics, and Sex decided to look at the presumed frontrunners in the papal race and make our predictions not just on who the next pope will be but also on who it definitely will not be.

The members of the conclave are, of course, literally sworn to secrecy in this regard, so public speculation falls to lower-ranking clergy, the media, and bookmakers. Some of their top choices, however, are so absolutely unlikely that they have presumably been proposed merely as red herrings to boost the payoff for bets on candidates they think actually have a chance or to jolly along various special interest groups.

There has also been quite a bit of discussion about the moral characteristics of various candidates and factors such as the presumable impact of things like their roles in either covering up or exposing the Church's child sex abuse scandals. But these factors have no bearing on whether a candidate would make what is considered to be a good pope and are therefore irrelevant and will have no impact whatsoever on the decision reached by the conclave. If the new pope is a genuinely good person, wants to make protecting children from predatory priests his cause celebre, etc., that is all great, but it has nothing to do with his viability as a candidate.

Following are some of the top choices whose names are being bandied about on the news. We are presenting them here in reverse order, from least to most likely to be elected.



* Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana). Really? No, really? Anyone suggesting that Turkson has any chance at all of being elected pope is doing so for purposes of misdirection, to lead Africans in particular and blacks in general to feel more important within the Church than they really are, or as a joke. His qualities as a Church leader are, in fact, completely meaningless simply because he is black. This may seem like an extreme contention, but consider what we learned when Obama got elected, e.g., that a certain proportion of the population will become mentally unhinged when a black is elected to a particular high office for the first time. A global sex abuse scandal is one thing and something the Church can obviously survive just fine, but a black man in a miter would be the death of Catholicism as we know it. Just as Americans who were admittedly almost illiterate before Obama was elected suddenly affected expert knowledge of Constitutional law to justify their irrational hatred for the first black U.S. president, closet racists throughout the Catholic Church would suddenly start spouting references to obscure canon laws disseminated by the plethora of hatemongering schismatic websites that would pop up. Catholicism would experience a literal decimation, with one in 10 of its members abandoning the Church immediately, and there is a reasonable chance that any number of pretender popes would be elected within particular geographical areas. The cardinals are more likely to drink a vat of poisoned Kool-Aid than propagate such a monumental disaster.

* Cardinal Timothy Dolan (United States). Almost no chance. Americans are notoriously bad at seeing themselves as others see them and do not realize that the United States is perceived by many people throughout the world as militaristic, imperialistic, hypocritical, and a busy-body. Election of an American would lead to widespread perception that the Vatican had been suborned by the United States and this is something that the conclave is going to be sensitive to.

* Marc Oullet (Canada). Slightly better chance than Dolan, but he is still a Norde Americano and from a nation that is often seen as a client state of the United States, so the fear of appearance of undue political influence on the Vatican remains a consideration.

* Peter Erdo (Hungary). OK, now we're getting on track, and this guy dodges all the bullets of the afore-mentioned candidates, making him a viable contender. But the Vatican has already had its "Eastern European" ticket punched in recent memory so there is no strategic advantage associated with electing him.

* Odilo Scherer (Brazil). This one might actually have a reasonable chance. Sure, he is a South American, but is just about as white as most Italians, and the sense is that the powerbrokers in the Church could use him as a tool (e.g., much the way George W. Bush was puppeted by rightwing business interests). This would also be a sop to Third Worlders and give them an inflated sense of their place in the Church.

* Angelo Scola. This is the one! Or, someone who is so much like him as to be almost indistinguishable. One can almost sense a zeitgeist, if not a heilig geist, among the Italian cardinals, a palpable desire to "take back the papacy." Germans and Poles have had their time in the sun and they are as exotic as this bunch is ever going to want to deal with, so it is time for the pendulum to swing back toward what the papacy has been for the majority of its history.



So, those are our predictions! If this were like a U.S. presidential election you would be able to see the candidates at the top of our list dropping off one by one, but with this contest we won't know until it is done. In the meantime, go ahead and keep giggling about the black guy, sagely speculating about the Brazilian, etc., and tell us that we're wrong now -- because in a couple of days it will be too late and we will have an Italian pope again.

What Would YOU ask Jodi Arias?

Week after week, the Jodi Arias murder trial drags on, replete with sordid details that were shocking the first time we heard them but which have become increasingly prosaic as we become progressively more desensitized to them. Anybody who has actually read a book by the Marquis de Sade knows what I mean.

For anyone who has not been keeping up, the now demure femme fatale is charged with butchering boyfriend Travis "T Dog" Alexander like a hog, cutting his throat and stabbing him 29 times, after suffering years of increasingly degrading sexual abuse at his hands. It should all be more fun to listen to than it is.

Today, however, CNN finally posed an interesting question: What would you ask Jodi Arias? Wow! A thought provoking query indeed, and one I did not immediately have an answer for. "Why should we believe you now?" was the predictable and boring question that seemed most pressing to the news networks talking heads but did not seem very satisfactory. So, after convening the best legal consultation team we could put together on short notice, Religion, Politics, and Sex compiled the following short list of better questions that we would be inclined to ask the murderous minx.

* What took you so long?

* Hey, baby. You from around here?

* Now wait ... Why did you date someone named "T Dog"?

* So, when you were blonde, did cuffs and collars match?

* Do you practice witchcraft? (Hahaha! We saw this idiotic question posted online and it just seemed to good to not include!)

That's all we've got for now! We will certainly add more questions as our dream interview evolves. In the meantime, please tell us what YOU would ask Jodi Arias and we will add it to our list!

Documentary Commentary: 'Mea Maxima Culpa'

Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the House of God is a compelling 2012 documentary by director Gibney that explores the issue of child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. A not altogether illegitimate response to yet another documentary on child sex abuse in the Catholic church might be "Yeah, yeah, we've heard all that before!" It is in itself unfortunate, of course, that people should become inured to horror because it has become commonplace. Mea Maxima Culpa, however, includes a great deal of newly revealed material, and explores the subject in some ways that have not been widely done previously.

Mea Maxima Culpa explores its subject matter through the eyes of four deaf adult men who as children were molested by priest Father Lawrence Murphy at the church boarding school in Wisconsin where they each lived for a number of years. It then goes into a broader examination of the worldwide phenomena of pedophile priests; how this has manifested in other countries, such as Ireland; and the complicity of the Catholic Church in covering up the problem and its monumental efforts to suppress public knowledge of it.

One focus of the documentary I found fascinating was the number of priests and church officials who heroically struggled to expose and combat the problem of pedophile priests but who were suppressed and silenced by the institution of which they were part. This aspect of the film, however, points out the importance of acknowledging the efforts of these clergy and remembering that the issue of child sexual molestation was not universally approved of or covered up even within the church.

An obstacle faced by victims faced by such abuse, the documentary points out, was that even people outside the church were not interested in helping them and were thus at least passively complicit in the problem. Parents told their children how terrible it was to say such horrible things about priests, police dismissed victims as troublemakers, newspaper editors suppressed relevant details from published articles. Some of this resonated with me personally, because my parents taught me when I was growing up to never criticize people in authority, no matter who they were or what they had done. This, they said, would reflect badly on me, not on the people in question. I was never molested by a priest and, despite being raised Catholic never even knowingly met a pedophile priest, but it is profoundly disturbing to consider that I was told in advance that I simply needed to keep things like that to myself. This was not because my parents wanted me to be molested, of course, but simply because they were products of a Rust Belt factory town culture where everyone was part of a strict hierarchy and "knew their place"; in that world, there was nothing worse than being the outsider or the person who stood out, and so they were trying to protect me from the threat they perceived as being most palpable.

Mea Maxima Culpa will likely also resonate with other viewers for any number of reasons. It began showing on HBO in 2013 and will likely become available through other venues as well over the coming months, and I would encourage anyone who is interested to check it out.

The Right to Bare Arms

If there is one thing conservatives are good at it is observing appropriate gender roles. But, while the boys are all posting pictures of AR-15s, asserting their 2nd Amendment rights to be able to slaughter entire classrooms of children, and ranting about "tyrants" and "despots," what are the girls supposed to do? Complain about Michelle Obama's sleeveless dresses, of course! Yes, ladies, that's what the guys have been going on about when you hear them talking about "bare arms." So, while they are showing off their guns, you can complain about Mrs. Obama showing hers.

This particular line of complaint did, of course, catch me off guard the first time I saw someone post about it, but after that it was not surprising to see it again and again. What could be more conservatively responsible, after all, than to simply reiterate someone else's already existing thoughts? Leave it to the liberals, hippies, communists, homosexuals, etc., to profligately reinvent the wheel and needlessly waste all those words on original composition every time they need to say something. With that in mind, following are some stock responses you can feel free to use anytime you see a conservative lady complaining on Facebook or other social media about the First Lady's fashion sense (and it had better be a lady doing it, because only a man who was gay would care enough to complain about this, and his very existence would anger God and make baby Jesus cry).

* "They obviously have a different fashion sense in Washington, D.C, than we do here in Texas!" (Note: Feel free to swap out "Texas" for Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, or whatever center of haute couture you happen to be from.)

* "I guess I kind of agree with you, but I don't actually think black people look good in anything."

* "Yeah, if the First Lady had lunch lady arms she probably wouldn't be showing them off, either."

* "You're right! If she is going to be everybody's First Lady then she is going to need to appeal to the Walmart crowd, too."

* "Yes, she really is stupid if she hasn't figured out that people are watching her like vultures and waiting to criticize everything she does!"

Enjoy! And you can easily customize any of those responses by preceding them with "LOL!", following them with a winky face emoticon -- ;) -- or some other minor addition. And have you got some of your own? If so, please post them as a comment here so that we can all appreciate and share them!

A 21st-Century 'Devil's Dictionary'

This being the 100-year anniversary of Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary, I thought it would be appropriate to begin creating a 21st century counterpart to it. I began doing so about this time last year but got drawn off onto two major book projects and ended up pushing this project and any number of other ones to the back burner. Coincidentally, one of those books, my true crime compendium Texas Confidential: Sex, Scandal, Murder, and Mayhem in the Lone Star State, contains a chapter about Bierce. While doing research on the book, I stumbled across a compelling new theory about the final days of the popular author and explore it in the aptly-named chapter "The Death of Ambrose Bierce."

Bierce's satirical book had its roots in writings he did in the 1850s and ensuing decades and is an incisive critique of language and the way people use/misuse it. Some initial entries appear below, more will follow, and people are encouraged to reply with their own! Other terms soon to be posted will include "Accusation," "Weirdo-American," "Communist," "Freedom," "Patriotism," "Big Government," and "Second Amendment."

Liberal: Term used by rightwingers to characterize anyone who disagrees with them, regardless of those people's political leanings, beliefs, or motivations.

Asshole-American: An increasingly significant demographic group characterized by individuals who typically can only make their points by shouting down their detractors, advocate violence against their fellow citizens, and suffer from extreme paranoia. Prominent Asshole-Americans include rightwing radio hosts Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones and psychopath Ted Nugent.

I Support the Troops: A phrase used to indicate that the speaker will not oppose any ongoing military conflict. No actual support for anyone is required beyond periodically uttering the phrase, "I support the troops," which is generally intended to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy and signal that commentary on the war is not welcome.

Values (noun): Any system of beliefs that can be forced upon other people. Sometimes also ideas adopted by individuals as a means of justifying the dismal situations they have created for themselves, particularly with regard to spouses and offspring.

War (noun): A word used to characterize any major venture that has no end in sight; cannot be "won" in any foreseeable way, even if that was the intent in the first place; and is generally intended to prop up one or more sectors of the economy. It is intended to signal the indefinite nature of the supposed conflict and warn people against opposing it. Examples include "the War on Drugs" and "the War on Terror." Note: This word had a significantly different meaning up to c. 1945.