Looking for God in all the Wrong Places

I was raised in the Midwest, Minnesota to be precise, in a Lutheran household.  Going to church every Sunday, attending Sunday school, and singing in whatever Choir was appropriate for my age at a given time was simply part of life. I will not go so far to say that faith or religion in general was of foremost importance to me in my youth, but it was a significant part of my life and did play a role in the person I grew to become.

As often is the case, once I left home my life grew too busy and my overwhelming schedule of working and going to college simultaneously led to my rarely attending services of any kind.  For more than a decade, I was pretty much un-churched other than the occasional ritualistic holiday service attendance.  I married and started a career, neither my job nor my husband at the time found religion to be important so it was actually quite easy to forget its former importance to me.

By the time my daughters were two and three, I began to feel that it was my responsibility to “expose” them to religion because I felt that by not doing so I was choosing for them.  So while living on a military compound in Mannheim Germany in the 80’s, I began to attend generic Protestant services each Sunday, and joined both the choir and a group called Protestant Women of the Chapel.

During that time, our entire family was a regular fixture at Sunday services as well as numerous other church sponsored activities.  This period was a fairly lonely time for me since my husband seemed to always be at work or at a work related activity and I found solace in my new church friends.  Beyond that, for the first time in my life, I saw something in these people, a light, a joy, a positive sense of direction and hope for the future that I had been missing. Many of these people had suffered great loss in their lives and yet they remained at peace and I wanted that peace, that joy, that sense of knowing what the future would bring.

As it turned out, my sense of well-being would be short lived.  My marriage ended abruptly while I was still in Germany and I ultimately collected up a few suitcases of belongings and my two daughters and headed home to Minnesota with no idea what I would be doing or what the future would bring. As they say, timing is everything and since my father had recently passed away, my Mother was overjoyed to have her daughter and grand-daughters close by.  There was never any question but that we would all attend church each and every Sunday together, and so we did.

For awhile, I considered staying in that small town of my childhood dreaming that my girls would benefit from growing up there, but career opportunities were limited and I actually missed city life.  So after six months, we rented a moving van, collected the furniture items we had acquired during our brief stay and moved back to the DC area.

This was during the administration of George H. W. Bush and employment opportunities were not good even in the DC area, but I was able to get a job which led to a better job and so on.  We tried attending a local Lutheran church nearby, but the pastor seemed really creepy and we never returned. By year three I was working at a state university near my home and enjoying life.  My daily commute took me by a small but attractive Lutheran church and eventually one Sunday I got the girls and I all dressed up and off we went to church.  Perhaps if things had gone differently, I might never have gone back, but these people seemed genuinely interested in us and even came by to visit us in our home. 

Once again I became a regular Sunday church goer and my girls really liked Sunday school.  Over time we all embraced our church family, all singing in the choirs, attending youth events, and vacation bible school and bible camp. Eventually I was asked to become an elder and proudly accepted thinking that perhaps I was finally one of those people that others saw joy and hope within.

There were probably always little red flags that suggested something other than a desire to feel closer to God and serve him in some of the church members.  There seemed to be a profound emphasis on material things and affluence amongst some prominent members that made me uncomfortable but I chose to ignore. I think that by the time I retired in 2008, I was seriously considering looking for a new church home.  In 2009 we moved all the way to Texas and during the first few months I attended services at a few Lutheran churches and at one nondenominational church and none of them felt quite right.  After learning that one of the most prominent members of the one I favored the most was actually a convicted white collar criminal who had destroyed the lives of thousands of people, I stopped looking.

Probably the most profound disappointment of my life as a Christian came in the spring of 2012 when I spent a month back in the DC area with my daughters.  Because I was going to be in the area over Easter, I thought it would be fun to sing with my old church choir.  Sadly, I got a terrible cold and was unable to sing, but did attend several services. 

I was deeply disappointed in what my old church had become.  I had been a part of a huge fundraising effort to build a proper sanctuary for what had once been a quaint little church and had myself contributed more than $12,000 toward that end. I noted with great disappointment the nearly empty sanctuary on both Palm Sunday and Easter, days that the church used to be filled to overflowing. At first I wasn’t quite sure what was behind this poor attendance, but it soon became abundantly clear to me that the overall atmosphere was not one of peace, love, understanding or even mutual respect among the congregation.  In particular, during the children’s talk the lay minister asked the children about who they would invite to their birthday party.  When he specifically asked them if they would invite the President, and got a loud no from at least one very young child, which resulted in laughter by some of the adults and a comment from the woman seated next to me that it was great, I began to understand.

Over the next several days, I spent a lot of time wondering what had happened within that church and numerous others that condoned overt disrespect towards an elected official. I wondered if these same people who found this amusing because they held differing political views from the current President would think it equally funny when children showed disrespect to a teacher, a principal, or to a police officer.  After all, a message was being clearly conveyed to very young children that they need not show respect and it that it was even OK to say mean things and hate. I often hear Christian friends claim that allowing prayer in school will solve many of today's problems, but how can that be true when they are being exposed to hate and intolerance in their churches?

As I see it, religion has lost its way, lost sight of the love for fellow mankind that Jesus preached.  People now judge others, try to control the lives of others, discriminate against others, commit acts of violence against others and say mean hateful things to others, all in the name of religion.  I can only think that Jesus is heartbrokenly disappointed on what many religious institutions do in his name and the name of his Father.  I am a spiritual person, I believe in doing good when I can and certainly in doing no harm to others.  I also believe that people are free to do what they choose when it does not harm others, even if I don’t agree with their actions.

 

I now accept that I will never again be a member of any religious institution and I am comfortable with that decision.  Perhaps if there is a day of Rapture as many believe, I will be left behind, but so will many of the most prominent members and leaders of religious institutions, because they have long ago lost sight of the teachings of Jesus.